Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.