Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.