Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The first matador
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too