Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
They’re really bad with fonts.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.