Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city