Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
problems i need
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing