Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.