Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.