Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I was bored.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Ape together strong
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.