Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I’d … I’d rather not.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
what the
Not all heroes wear capes…
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal