Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

oh my god

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

#milo

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

I’m literally crying

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs