Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
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I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.