Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
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My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*