Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
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[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Doggies just call it style.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.