Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Me buying fruit and veg

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car