Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions