Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Y’all know who you are.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

pizza

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.