Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

A woman drives into a bar.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.