Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

Me, in DM rooms…

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired