Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened