are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
learning about math 🧐 📝
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Any refunds available?…
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks