Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Please vote for people who are attractive
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
