Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

“You drive, I’m tired.”

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

*launders Kohls cash*

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

choose your gary

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife