Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally! 😈

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.