Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

sigh

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.