Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
😲 WTF? 😆
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
when unicorns get really drunk
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.