Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

sigh

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

in 3 months

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.