Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

#MeanwhileinCanada

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

found my next D&D character name

😂😂😂😂😂😂

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.