Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus