Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.