Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
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Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
grotesque if literal: baby food
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever