Are we there yet?…
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree