Are we there yet?…
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.