Are we there yet?…
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
