Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.