Are we there yet?…
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.