Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
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Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling