Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
How to draw a duck
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops