Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.