Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.