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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Welcome
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.