“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?