are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
c’mon!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Tough love is true love
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.