are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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PER MY LAST EMAIL
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
“Wait, let me explain..”
DOOO EEEET
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars