are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
You Might Also Like
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.