Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave