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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I feel seen
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea