ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
This a good idea
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.