Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

out-housing market appears to be strong

yall want some gasoline milk

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE