@Death_Buddy

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

You Might Also Like

@bourgeoisalien

Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?

@randomapeig

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

@AristotlesNZ

Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.

@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

@Contwixt

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

@Douchekevin

Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic