“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

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Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?


Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water


Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.


My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.


ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit


Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.


Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic