Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
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Politician: Make it a double.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.
My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.
Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic