ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
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I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My beach vacation Google searches
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost