ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine