Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
You Might Also Like
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
GM✌🏻
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
not to brag, but mine was free
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
im gay on my mothers side
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.