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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”