Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

The Onion called it…again.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I’ve been learning to cook.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

the battle rages on

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.