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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?