Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

buying dead houseplants to save time

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries