Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The Book. The Movie.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no