Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

hmmmmmm

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.