“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
You Might Also Like
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Meowchelangelo
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Well, that didn’t work.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples