Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
secret recipe
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?