Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Lmao
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.