Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.