Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Proctologist = Analyst

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

🤣

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

My fantasy football season is going great

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]