Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

the official breakfast of 2021

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!