Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Lmao

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

u spoke cat all this time??????

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️