“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.