“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?