“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
You Might Also Like
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Is this the real life?
Is this just