Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?