“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
You Might Also Like
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My background check bounced.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)