Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest