Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.