Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.