“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
the world’s most popular steaming services
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
