“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
🤣🤣🤣
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet